I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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