it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
