I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
