its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
