John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
