I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
