I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
