Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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