I have demons in me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
