Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
