you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
