So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
