Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
What a dumb baby whore.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
so much tequila, so little girl.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
