listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
