dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
