Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
