new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
