She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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