nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
