Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
