My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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