she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
