Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
