I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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