woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
