Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
