dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
