New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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