I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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