so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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