Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
