I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
