I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
