New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
