11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
