Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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