Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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