Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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