my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
