There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
