I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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