if i can run in heels then i can drive
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
