I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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