I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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