I wish I only lived at night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
