im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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