The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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