Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Randomize
