Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
