i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
