wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
