i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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