oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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