We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
